You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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