Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
