I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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