I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
