It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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