I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
