I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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