cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He felt like a one man threesome
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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