Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Brb crying the tears of my youth
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
