I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
