I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
