You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
