I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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