I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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