Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
