If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
