Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I looked at my own cervix.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
