The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you didnt know i had herpes?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
