How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
