but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
