Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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