Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
