I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
