apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My bed smells like the plague
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
