We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
