Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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