piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
