In America we eat man semen.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
