I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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