don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
