I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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