Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
