dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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