weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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