I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
