Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
