Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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