I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
