He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
