just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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