He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
