girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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