Please, let me fuck your mom
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
