There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
