I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
