this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
