my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
