im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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