after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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