It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
