I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
